Barney Calhoun’s Birthday Party

It’s time for a Garg-o-holics classic fanfiction.  When FG added the FanFiction section, it was largely due to this story.  It proved that there could be interest in a fanfiction section.

Watch out for… the PLAYER.


Barney Calhoun’s Birthday Party

by Ghost Calhoun

Everyone is preparing a suprise party for Barney Calhoun, Security Gaurd of the month. This takes place after the whole big incident with the world of Xen, and it has signed a treaty with Earth.

Walter: Ok! Ok! Places everyone! I hear him coming!

*Door creeks open*

Barney: God, why is it so damn dark in this room?

*Turns on light*

Barney: Hello? Walter? Luther? Steve?
EVERYONE: SUPRISE!!!
Barney: Ahhhh!

*Barney shoots a votigrunt*

Walter: OH DEAR! Um…suprise Mr. Calhoun.
Barney: Oops! Sorry about that! So, how is everyone?
Steve: Well, since we all knew you were turning 30, we decided to-….OH MY GOD!!!

*Looks at corner of room to find 3 headcrabs gettin’ tha frekay on*

Luther: Hey! Reminds me of last night with my wife
Barney: …I’LL PRETEND I DIDN’T HEAR THAT!
Alien Grunt: Barney… open… present

*Alien Grunt gives Barney a gift, Barney opens it*

Barney: Wow! A new…uh…a new…er…what the F*$# IS THIS!?
Alien Grunt: Poopy…paper
Barney: POOPY PAPER?! MAN, WHAT-THE-F*^$ IS WRONG WITH YOU!?
Walter: Let’s calm down
Barney: Calm down?! This…thing, travels 13 billion light-years to Earth just to give me Toilet..or as Mr. Bowel expert likes to call it…”Poopy paper!!?”
Luther: HAHAHA! Thats rich!

*Alien grunt runs off crying*

Shepard: GO! RECON!

*A group of military grunts storm the room*

Barney: Oh great, what now?
Shepard: SIR! WE ARE GOING TO SING A SONG! SIR!

*clears throat*

Shepard and Military group at once: Calhoun! He is a great maaaan! He shoots you in the heaaaaaad!
Barney: STOP! STOP! STOP! THATS AWFUL! GET OUT NOW!

*They leave….Gordon Freeman walks in late*

Gordon:…
Barney: Yes?
Gordon:…
Barney: DON’T YOU EVER TALK!?!?!
Gordon:…
Walter: Gordon, did you bring a gift?
Gordon:…
Walter: Ah! Good!
Barney: What the hell!? Walter…he isn’t saying anything!
Walter: Yes he is, he just told me he bought you a HUGE gift.
Barney: Is that true Freeman?
Gordon: …
Barney: I think this guy is on acid or some crazy shit.

*Barney shoots Gordon in the head and Gordon dies*

LOADING…

*Gordon is back standing there again*

Barney: What the f$@$ just happend?
Luther: Some sort of time lapse or something?
Walter: No…it’s…THE PLAYER.
Steve: Speaking of players, me and the Garg went downtown and got some fine ass lookin’ hoes and-…..maybe I should shut up.
Luther: Now Barney, you will LOVE this next suprise we have for you! Bring her out Steve!

*Steve brings out a women in tight black leather*

Barney: This is what im talkin’ ’bout!

*Stipper dose a dance in front of Steve and shoots him in the head with her silenced 9mm*

Walter: WWWWOOOOOOWWWWW

*Stipper walks up to Barney*

Barney: Yeah baby! Shake it! Whoooo!

*The stipper’s infa-red goggles lock onto Otis and then she runs away horrified*

Walter: Hmmm…she left her goggles behind…DEAR GOD!

*Walter looks at Otis and Otis is actually a woman!*

Walter: These arn’t infa-red! These are X-RAY!

CONSOLE
Sv_Cheats 1

Barney: WTF IS THAT!? It’s right above our heads! A black thing with yellow text?
Luther: Thats….THE PLAYER.
Barney: Who gives a $h!t who it is?

Impulse 101

Barney: WHOA!!! I HAVE ALL THESE KICK A$$ WEAPONS NOW! COOL!
G-Man: Interesssssssting…
Barney: Oh god, it’s G-String…er…G-Man.
G-Man: I have a presssssent of you…it’sssssss a portal to a tropical island that isssssss filled with ladiessssss galore.
Barney: Hell yeah!

*Barney steps into portal and gets zapped to Xen*

Barney: Hmmmm….what is that?!
Big Momma: MUHAAAAHAAAAAAAAA!
Barney: Jesus Christ!….Hey…you are kind’a cute.
Big Momma: MMUAAAAAAAHHHHH!
Barney: Lets go into that cave over there hot stuff.

Barney and Big Momma had 4000 headcrab babies, Barney is now living on Xen and gambles on Snark races.

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